Drag queens
Without the need to conceal their fading looks and deep wrinkles with ten centimeters of make up and a wig, we wouldn’t have the rich, vibrant drag queen community we have today. And what do we all think of when we see drag queens who’ll chat to anyone? Free drink cards for us youngins! Yeah!

Sugar daddies
A boy’s gotta pay the bills somehow – and luckily there’s a whole generation of gay men advancing through their years that are willing to advance you the money for your rent. Sure, it’s a form of prostitution, but if it pays enough… well, you can find anyone sexy if the lights are off, eh?

Letter writers
Gay-newspaper editors would struggle to fill those column inches if it weren’t for Angry of Abbotsford or Disappointed of Darlinghurst complaining about their imagined “homophobic treatment” at any and every daily event. For shame, straight Australia… for shame. On the plus side, they do save us from more articles on shitty community groups.

Scapegoats
Beats, saunas, sex in public places – we’re all guilty (and how!). But thankfully, none of us norms have to take the rap ‘cause we’ve got the seedy old men brigade to take charge and be the public face of all the wrong things with our community. Cheers fellas! We owe ya one!

Compliments
You could be the most gormless bastard in the room, but the laws of gay statistics prove that there will be at least one desperate old man that will tell you anything to get you to sleep with them – and you’ll probably be drunk enough to believe it, and you can shout, “Thanks desperate old man! You made me love me!”

Protesters
While we’re all busy partying, those old codgers are out there fighting the good fight and trying to get us marriage and stuff. Spose they’re the best people for it; I mean, they all beat Hitler in ‘Nam and shit anyways, yeah? Anyways we’ll find out how they went once the clubs close, I guess.

Seat fillers
Throwing a community event and desperately need to pull numbers? You can always count on the geriatrics – it’s not like they’ve got anything else to do, after all. Plus the light reflecting off their bald heads gives the impression of more people – kinda like putting mirrors in a small room.

Historians
Older dudes are like the gay version of Wikipedia – a comprehensive record of our community’s history; its triumphs, its tragedies. But just like Wikipedia, anyone can edit it – either by flirting with them and exposing their flexible values when the rare cock is dangled in front of them; or simply waiting for the Alzheimer’s to kick in.

Nightclub owners
What do older gay guys do when they feel like they’re too old to hit up the clubs and not get stared at? They buy the fuckers! Without the deep pockets and ludicrous spending on lavish emporiums to conceal the oldies’ relevance to the younger crowd, the gay community would be a very different place. Not to mention almost entirely free of twinks in advertising.

Pornographers
Ever wonder why all those amateur pornos seem to be filmed by some old dude the young bucks call Uncle Johnny, who insists on flooding the audio track with his seedy commentary? It’s ‘cause Uncle Johnny learnt long ago that his only chance of seeing dick again was to grab a camera and a wad of cash. But hey, the young guys are hot – and there’s always a mute button for Uncle Johnny.