Isn’t it lucky there’s some crappy Hollywood movie I can rip off for the title of this post? Pop culture reference, how very clever etc.

I think I mentioned it earlier, but I’m over in Greece for my sister’s wedding. Her fiancé, Angelo, is of Greek descent (is that the PC way to say it?), and they were naturally looking for something special to do for their wedding, so the obvious conclusion was to fly half way across the world. That could sound bitchy; it’s not. Good excuse for a holiday, and the way I see it is that when you’ve lived together for years like Bangelo (Bec and Angelo – clever again, eh?), getting married at home would be kinda like playing dress ups. Nothing would really be different from any ordinary day, ‘cept you have to burl round to church for a bit and see way more family than you’d probably care to. And you’d have a fuck-off sized bill at the end of the day.

So we came, and now it’s done. My sister’s gone down the aisle. Well, there wasn’t so much an aisle per se – the chapel she was married in was this ancient church on a winding mountain street in Kalamata. It was tiny. Even smaller than those Asian bait apartments in the city. No wider than one lane of a road, and probably about ten meters deep. And they managed to squeeze 70 people in there.

67 of which were Greek, leaving myself, my Mum and my Dad looking like quizzical aliens in the corner.

Ever been at a party where you don’t know anyone? How about a party where you don’t know anyone and no one speaks your language? I win. Despite a few bilinguals that I hung around like a bad smell, everything was Greek, Greek, Greek. The ceremony was entirely in Greek, but I have an inkling it was ancient Greek, so even the locals had trouble following it. The music at the reception was Greek, except for – curiously – the new couple’s first dance, which was an acoustic version of Metallica’s Nothing Else Matters. Don’t go thinking they’re bogans; Bangelo didn’t ask for it. The band probably had no idea what it was either.

Besides the language, it wasn’t that different from a wedding at home. Angelo met Bec at the door, and handed her the bouquet (which, disappointingly, wasn’t thrown to a ravenous crowd of desperate women later). They entered the church, and the dude in the robe did his thing, before placing a crown on each of their heads. The crown was connected by string, which no doubt represents their togetherness or whatevs. Couple of sips of communion wine, and then a couple of laps around the ceremony table while being pelted with rice.

I knew they were handing out rice, but kinda figured they’d throw it, y’know, outside of the church. Nope. A million little white pellets were unceremoniously chucked at the bride and groom while they ducked and ran for cover. Bec tells me her sole concentration from that point on was to not slip.

Once the Indy 500 Asian edition was complete, it was the final part of the ceremony. The bride stomps on the groom’s foot, signifying she’ll be the leader of the household. The foot, I suppose, represents his balls.

I’d heard a story about this: there’s a Greek locality – I can’t remember the name of it – where the men have a reputation for manly pride. A couple was getting married, and the groom warned the bride not to stomp on his foot. She ignored him, and gleefully stomped down on his Hush Puppies. Calmy and quietly, he took off the crown, tossed it at the priest and walked out of the church. It’s serious business.

Angelo told Bec not to stomp. She stomped. Sucked in.

The reception was at a nearby taverna, and was probably everything you’d expect at a Greek wedding: meat on a spit, Greek salad, and Greek dancing. Featuring yours truly. Turns out dance is the international language. And I can talk all night.

The night wound down at about 2am, and I was sitting chatting with my Dad and “reflecting” about the wedding. I’d like to think I summed up the experience entirely. “Don’t think of it as losing a daughter,” I told him. “Think of it as gaining a son.”

Pause.

“One that isn’t gay.”

Bonus: the pics are on Facebook - anyone can access them at the public link