To whom it may concern,

We are the “proud” owners of a Lemair fridge which is still under warranty.

Earlier this year, the fridge developed a fault. The refrigeration section was not cooling. These things happen, and were swiftly dealt with by your company at the time. After contacting Paul, the then service coordinator, we were referred to a technician, who promptly came out and fixed the fault. That is, once your company was able to dispatch the correct part after the third attempt. On the bright side, that’s under four tries, so stiff upper lip and you may almost have a reputable company etc.

All was well in the land of perishable food to be stored at 4 degrees or below for a time. Unfortunately, the fault has reoccurred.

We knew the drill. Once again, we contacted your service coordination area and Zarina emailed on the details of three businesses to contact who may be able to fix the fridge:

The Ultimate Appliance
A & I Appliance
ICE Age Refrig

We’ve contacted all three, and have not had any success. The Ultimate Appliance has either folded or chooses not to man the phones, as there is never an answer and messages left on voicemail go unreturned. A&I Appliance flat out refuse to service the area. And Ice Age are adverse to entering the wild and dangerous boundaries of Melbourne’s inner south east suburbs.

However, I been able to speak with the technician at Ice Age, David, who informs me that the problem is in fact the low rate paid by your company, making it unfeasible for him to travel to St Kilda East from the northern suburbs. The refrigeration business must be cool in more ways than one, as I asked what the ‘gap’ would be. He told me it was $40.

So, as it stands, a measly $40 stands in the way of our household being able to purchase perishable items. And $40 is, coincidentally, the exact amount required to stop us using the phrase “Tecma Lemair is the world’s shittest company” at any opportune moment. We are skilled in the ways of bitching. The conversation doesn’t even need to be about fridges. We will make it so. We are that good.

The alternative, as you are probably aware, is to return the fridge to the point of purchase for a refund. As that’s about 30km away, and we’d need to hire transportation for the retarded coolbox, this would absolutely cost us more than $40. And although we can’t claim to rub shoulders with the fridge buying set in order to spread anecdotal negativity, I have been known to loiter at Retravision spouting incriminating hearsay to potential customers in order to defer sales to brands that have not yet attracted in-store crazies. Although this method attracts an impressive success rate of purchase avoidance, a special case such as the one that has been unceremoniously shat on us requires special attention.

I promise to set up camp inside a prominently-displayed Tecma Lemair fridge for the day, waiting for the door to open to scream “Tecma Lemair killed my baby” whilst whilst madly clutching a cunningly-disguised roasted turkey lovingly wrapped in a saran with grotesque splashings of tomato ketchup dolled wildly, indicating to now ex-potential sale that the purveyors of said fridge were indeed directly responsible for the slaughter of a child. How, they will not ask. As an artist, I will leave the execution to the imagination of the viewer. It will be riveting.

Depending on the audience feedback, I may decide to take this one-man show to the Melbourne Fringe Festival, where a provocative name such as “A Tecmair Lemair took my baby” which would surely draw crowds due to controversial comments from Lindy Chamberlain, practically guaranteeing a worldwide tour culminating in a widely-seen showcase spot in an Off Broadway revue. The American audience may have never heard of Tecma Lemair before, and after my razzle dazzle expose, they will never want to.

$40, or gratuitous slander against your company when, in all honesty, it’s not really your fault. More to the point, it’s absolutely not our fault way more than it isn’t your fault, so I'm chucking this your way to sort out.

So, please, just pay the man his $40 more.

Cheers,

Josh