JOSH DARE pumps himself up for a look into padded underwear.

Webster’s dictionary defines an ass as “The fleshy part of the human body that you sit on”. UrbanDictionary defines an ass as “A place where courageous people do the nasty”. Other people, however, more accurately define their ass by its lack of definition.  People like Michael. “Recently, I was told that I have a ‘bigh’ - a back that goes to thigh,” he says.

Michael has every reason to be worried. Straight guys identify as either tits or ass men. Us gays, though… well, tits don’t come in to the equation. Just ask Rob. “A good ass is important,” he says, “because there's something sexy and seductive about a round, well-shaped ass. It ranks up there with a defined chest and strong arms. It's perfectly positioned to be squeezed, grabbed, admired and appreciated.”

A fixation on having a pert ass may just stem from the circles you travel in, according to psychotherapist Adam Segal. “Unfortunately, in certain rounds of our community there’s a real emphasis on notions of perfection,” he says. “Self-esteem issues and body image issues are reinforced in parts of the culture where ‘this’ is what makes you a desirable gay man.”

However, such is the wide appeal of a perky rear end; even an assless wonder like Michael is empathetic towards Rob’s attitude. “A fuck you from the creator is the fact that I am an ass man, and have previously dated a guy based purely on the fact that he had an ass to die for.”

So why not do something about it, like a million lunges at the gym? “I long ago accepted that no amount of squats were ever going to give me the bubble butt that I dreamed of,” he said. “That, and some middle-aged personal trainer taking a hacksaw to my dream with, ‘I’m sorry honey, you just don’t have the muscle fibers for it. The best we can do it tone what ya got.’”

But if you can’t make it, you can fake it. Similar to a padded bra, padded underwear holds two foam pads over your ass to give the appearance of a plump bubble butt. Not included: sign saying “bounce quarters here”. And if you’re padding your nether regions, why stop at butts? Most padded underwear comes with a pad over the crotch too.

Pauline from SiliconeBody believes that, not only will they work; they’ll change your appearance completely. “Suddenly your manhood and butt cheeks look raised and fresh. You get a chiseled balanced body look, like you’ve been in the gym for months.”

If you’re worried that the pads would look unnatural, rest assured that the companies manufacturing your new ass have done their homework – and your own butt may have been an unwitting subject. Jack of Toronto’s own BottomsUp assures me, “After studying many butts, we realized that the left cheek is differently shaped than the right cheek. So in our desire to give the most natural look possible, we had molds made to produce the desired effect we were looking for in our butts.”

Your butt may be looking perfectly and naturally pert with its new padding, but make sure your motives are pure. “I imagine that there’s some people [wearing padded underwear] and it’s relatively helpful to them psychologically,” says psychotherapist Adam Segal. “But there might be another group of people that are struggling with body image issues and constantly feeling that on some level they’re not measuring up.”

Pauline of SiliconeBody isn’t buying into that complexity. “There are two main reasons men wear them,” she said. “1. They need them. 2. They need them.”

No-ass man Michael sounded like he was conflicted about his lack of butt and needed the pads - would he ever wear padded underwear? “Never to rope in the boys,” he says, “’cause let’s face it – that is just the height of false advertising. How could anyone maintain their dignity when they've picked up a boy who thinks he's gonna have a night spent eating out a perfect ass, only to find it hanging around his ankles along with his jocks?”

 “I don’t focus on whether it’s deceptive to other people,” counters psychotherapist Adam. “I think more about the individual who’s wearing them and whether or not, on some level, they’re lying to themselves and whether they’re able to have a healthful perception of their body, or if they’re only able to enjoy their body if it’s masked in that way.”

He also believes that the foam pads may deter a firm connection – and your new ass may ironically lessen your appeal. “Generally, people are drawn to authenticity,” he says. “It might strike that person as inauthentic, and that might get them wondering if there’s other ways in which you’re inauthentic. It might make you less desirable in some ways: when people are looking to make a connection with other people, they usually want a sense of authenticity.”

Ass man Rob wouldn’t feel cheated if he brought somebody home and discovered their ass had a little support though. “My thought would be 'well isn't that interesting',” says ass man Rob. “I would definitely not feel cheated. The person obviously felt they needed to enhance that area, and they had the right to do it. Good for them. Why do we wear clothes that make us look slim, or toned? It's the same argument.”

Pauline has a simpler solution to dealing someone who followed your ass pads home. “Pull down the curtains; you have already made your point!”

Adam Segal, psychotherapist adamsegal.ca

Silicone Body www.siliconebody.com

BottomsUp bottomsup.ca