There’s not a specific moment it begins. I’m just in rehab and have been in rehab and it’s OK that I’m in rehab because I need rehab.

Do you know where you are? a psychologist asks me. “Epworth,” I say, naming the rehab centre that had always had a name and I always knew its name.

How old are you? she asks. 26, I replied instantly. She bit down on her pen, disappointed. As she pulled it out of her mouth, she told me to think about it and she’d be back tomorrow.

So I thought about it. It’s 2008 – I know this for a fact because ‘Today’s date is October 9, 2008’ is written on the whiteboard in the room. It’s 2008 and I was born in July 198… 1? So that makes me 26.

Oh… wait… what day is it?

My mother arrived with chocolate. Legend. “Helloooooo,” she cooed at me with a long o while passing me some chocolate, “How are you today?”

“Good,” I said. “Little bored. Did you bring any chocolate?”

She looked at me and then down at the chocolate she’d given me as she walked in. “Oh! Chocolate! Thanks Mum!”

“What have you been doing?” She asked. “I’m a little bored,” I told her. “The psychologist came round today, though I think I failed. She asked how old I was and I said 26.”

“You’re 27,” Mum said all non-judgmental and motherly.

“Oh,” I replied, and tried to save face by deflecting with, “Like, I have to remember flash cards overnight and there was a picture of a flower, a dinner plate and dinosaur. I told her I’d just remember the three Ps: pot, plate and pterodactyl. She told me pterodactyl doesn’t have a P in it.”

“It does,” Mum said, “It’s silent.”

“I KNOW!” I gasped. “She doesn’t. I’m half retarded and even I know that.”

“You seem better today,” Mum said.

“How was I?” I asked.

“You’ve been a bit… confused,” Mum told me. “The other day you told me you’d just gotten back from New York.” I sorta knew I didn’t, but… did I? Something about the tone of Mum’s voice and my imprisonment in rehab told me I hadn’t.

Mum kissed me goodbye. “Best be getting home. Beat peak hour,” she said. “Love you.”

“Love you too,” I replied. “Oh, Mum – next time, can you please bring me some chocolate?”