They do smell a bit. And what is with their teeth? Plus at home we have cancer centres; here they seem to have centres dedicated to putting moles on.

But, you don’t come to Thailand for the people, unless you’re a lonely elderly gentleman with money. You come for the shopping.

Cruising Patong mall, I was accosted – both in the physical and aural senses – by Thai after Thai with cheap wares. They were a bit much, I thought to myself as I playfully construed ‘Thai’ into forms like ‘Thai dye’ in my head and giggled quietly while burying myself in the search for unbelievably low-priced crap. A toothless wonder gummed at me from behind a case of watches.

“You like?” she asked a shell-shocked Caucasian for probably the 600^th time that day. I made the international sign for ‘just looking’ – fingers forks to my eyes that then forked the shelves – and continued looking. And then I saw it: the silver D&G watch I wanted. Like, spot on, the exact watch I wanted.

I remained coy to heighten my bartering power. “How much for, uh, this one?” I flatly asked, barely pointing at the watch of my dreams in order to not give the game away.

“Dis one?” she asked, pointing to some heinous CK abortion.

“No,” I spoke loudly and clearly and pointedly so that any foreigner could understand my perfect language, “That one.”

“300 baht,” she disinterestingly replied. I did the math in my head.  $10 is 75 baht, so $300 baht is… tick, tick, tick… $40! That watch goes for $400 in stores!

Stay cool Millie, stay cool. “I’ll give you 200 baht for it.” It was worth a shot. “275,” she fired back. I was never good at bargaining and was whipped into an orgasmic shopper’s frenzy about the low starting price, so took her first offer and slammed the 275 baht into her filthy hand so fast I’m surprised it’s still attached.

After navigating the cess-ridden, shit-stinking streets to get home, we all debriefed and sipped cocktails by the pool in our resort. Lyn showed off a sarong – uh, whatever, yay Lyn – and then it was my turn.

To maximise dramaticity, I ruffled and hid my arm into the shopping bag and yanked it out with my new life purpose upon my wrist to coincide with my intense announcement of said find. Gasps were heard in Beijing.

Stunning, I’m sure one of my admirers said among a din of praise – but it’s so hard to make out individual compliments when you’re drunk of the envy of others.

A voice penetrated over all others. “Where’d you get yours?” It was Carol, the bitchy little bitch bitch, her arm quite clearly adorned by a replica of my watch.

Patong mall, I replied, gazing lovingly at my watch that I’m absolutely sure was shinier and therefore more beautiful than hers.

“Just like the real ones!” she marveled, presumably talking about mine and not her piece of crap.  It’s true, I thought to myself, it is and I love it.

“Not bad for 200 baht,” she exclaimed ruefully, which hung thick in the air for the briefest microsecond before her dull fake ass watched bitch hand had to wipe my thrown cocktail off her stupid whore bitch smug face.