I laughed and giggled and entered the elevator, pressing the button for 15 in one smooth motion. “That’s what she said,” I retorted between my uncontrollable laughter at what was, frankly, another doozy.

Joey could only must a small smirk though. Weird, I thought, Joey usually appreciated a good that’s what she said. “What do you want to do tonight?” I asked when my breathing had recovered enough to talk properly.

“We’ll figure it out when we get up there,” Joey said, which I now realise was ominous but didn’t at the time.

Sadly my elevators don’t ding but the roar of the door opening once we reached the 15^th level was somewhat satisfying. We made small talk about the garbage chute – “I always go to put my garbage in apartment 16!” I playfully said, as the chute was adjacent – until we reached the front door. I fumbled with the keys and the locks – no reason, I’m just a little spastic – and cracked open the door to find all my friends and family stationed on my shitty, shitty furniture. Joey slapped his hand on my shoulder.

“It’s OK mate,” he said in a voice I assume he thought was caring but was actually creepy, “Come in. We just need to talk.”

My roommate Matt was sitting in the armchair at the head of the coffee table, two friends adopting the Joey-clasp on his shoulders as he wiped tears from his red, puffy eyes.

“What’s going on?” I asked, as this was clearly some sort of intervention. My mind raced like I was on speed. Again. Oh god, is that the problem? It’s been ages!

“Josh,” roommate Matt sobbed, “You… should… know!” He dramatically blurted out before breaking down uncontrollably.

“We just want you to see the effect you’re having on your loved ones,” said Luke, the smarmy cunt. Who invited him anyway?

“What?!” I screamed/demanded. “What what what? How is this meant to help if I don’t know what you’re talking about?”

“It’s the bathroom,” said smarmy cunt Luke. “It is… disgusting.”

“You never cleaaaaaan it!” Matt hollered, wilidly gesturing in the vague direction of the bathroom with his tissue-clenched paws.

“That’s not true,” I muttered. “I rinsed the bath tub just the other day.”

“That was SIX MONTHS AGO,” Matt heaved before once again breaking down. “You’re so far removed from reality you don’t even realise that that was last season!” Sob, sob, sob. “You have… you have to change.”

I’m being intervened… over this? The ridiculousness of the situation struck me harder than the putrid stench of peroxide. I relented. “Well, what can I do?” I exasperated.

“You just need to get down there and go for it,” was the answer.

As far as I was concerned, there was only one reply here. “That’s what she said.”